Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I think your dad took our porno
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
