The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
My day in three words: secret purse cake
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
