Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
