Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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