my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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