Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
