I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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