i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
