my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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