There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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