oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
