It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
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