Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Randomize
