Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
