and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Holy sore nipples Batman
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Randomize
