I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
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