I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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