you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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