Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
