Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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