o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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