She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
