yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize
