I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
You ruined the universe
Randomize
