If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize