Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
