ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
