You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
