its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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