well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
