chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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