Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
