Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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