I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
I have demons in me.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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