census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Randomize
