I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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