whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
