Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Randomize
