What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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