we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Randomize