I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
