I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
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