i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Just pee around me
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
