I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
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