I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Randomize
