i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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