He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Randomize
