just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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