we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
