kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Randomize
