I wish I could punch you in the face.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize