kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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