if i can run in heels then i can drive
I can text with my tongue
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize