I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
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