How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
