Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
