As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
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