The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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