My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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