i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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