So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
