My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize