did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Randomize
