your thong is hanging out like whoa
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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