Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
