It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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