Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
